Happy 22nd birthday to you... what will your wish be?
It's exactly 12am.
First time in four years that we are not celebrating your birthday together on this day. And I wonder when you see this post, will it all be too late?
Do you still remember the past four celebrations? I just deleted the pictures from my ipod and I am beginning to feel very sad. One was at Carlton Hotel buffet, and the one last year was a special one for you. Where did we celebrate the other one?
It's also timely that my car has not arrived, or I'd be down in my car driving around and thinking of all the if's we had before I bought the car.
Sometimes I wish we could better deal with our problems like adults, but I just realised that you are still young and you are not ready to settle down yet. It's possibly just me and my dreams for a future together.
Sometimes I wish we could handle our communication better, but I guess I'm the one with flaws. I'm not good at communicating sometimes and you might just have grown tired trying to wait for me to improve. I thought I had improved but it was not enough, apparently.
Communicating: there goes our email; there goes our MSN. I guess you will be pretty happy to not receive my calls that smack of insecurity. I wonder if SMS will die out on us someday soon. This blog is still here.
When I got my work allocation today I was stressed out, partly due to our problem. Just smsed you a happy birthday message; called you to check if you had received it. But you did not answer. My insecurity has sunken to such an unbelievably depressing low that I don't even trust the sms.
Sometimes I wish I had bought the car earlier.
Sometimes I wish we could see stars at night more frequently than ever before they disappear. You disappear. Where, where are the stars? The ones that we used to call ours...
Sometimes I wish I was blind and stupid and my instincts didn't work that well so that I would never have seen what I ought not to see in your emails. But will not knowing the truth make me happy? I don't know.
Most people I know seem to be okay with not knowing the truth for the truth hurts. Like you.
But not me. I guess you are normal and I am not.
I guess you are back to the point about us being different again.
If only we could work towards a common vision of being committed, a shared value of life: honesty, trust and truth.
I'm sorry to invade your private space, but I have no where else to go.
Do you, on your birthday, wish to go the distance with me into the future?
“How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind; Each prayer accepted and each wish resigned.”
Each mistake forsook and each worry foresaw; Eternal sadness of the grieving soul. The years becoming, by the years begone. How fragile the love is...
Illusions strengthened with time, Promises weakened in time. Cherished memories rime On accusations denied.
Gregarious soul unsettles the lovers' vow To honour in life the trust and honesty. White lie darkens the animosity; Rancored betrayal besieges love, eternity.
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Looking at the post on 18-1-6 gives the sense of deja vu that plagues one like a song that never ends. Crossroads after crossroads we travelled, but the heart was not where the feet were along the journey full of rocks and pits, of a multitude of hurdles anticpiated yet ignored.
"Ignored" at least by the guilible one(s) who believed the past can be buried and the flower will bloom again soon. The seed was imperfect to start with and the relationship could not flower into what is known as a happy ending.
I would email this to you if your email has not been tainted. I will not want to send emails to the soiled inbox any more. I will not want to receive emails from your dirtied outbox any more.
I would message this to you over MSN if your MSN account has not been stained. I have removed you from my MSN in an act of spite.
You leave me with SMS for you to hear me and for me to hear you; even that I doubt its pristine quality.
Thankfully I still have your blog.
I don't know about having you in my car when I collect it because that scenario gives me bad memories; we'll have to see.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. I can't explain why the words hurt me when they should not; I'm a wordsmith. It's like a swordsmith being cut by the hilt of the sword of another.
I still get angry some times, and sad other times. Happy when I see your face in my mind as it was when I last saw it on 14-6-7.
Happy with the many blissful memories when we were together. Happy that I got to see your face for the last time. Happy that I got to touch your face for the last time.
But I wish those were not the last.
Four years going on five, but now back at one. Three more days to your birthday which I cannot celebrate with you as agreed to for better or worse. My heart will be with you even though my self will not. One month can pass quickly; I wonder if one month of longing can erase the one month of pain for me and the four years of pain for you.
I don't know what is my next move. What about you?
Sorrow begets sorrow. How does one trust again? How did I try to make you trust me again four years ago (which, on hindsight, did not really work)?
The diamond ring has lost its meaning. I don't want to see it again.
Perphaps if your true intentions prevail, the tarnished ring bearing your name will once more shine again...
